Sometimes I write for other publications. Sometimes those articles are so far wide of the mark that nobody wants them. I just had trouble being nice and sincere that day but I had fun writing, so here it is.
Happy World Vegetarian Day. Did you get lots of cards? You got a pumpkin – well that’s just wizard. On this day of all days, it seems only appropriate to discuss the increasing number of vegetable-based issues.
It can’t be easy being a vegetarian. Not only does the lifestyle preclude you from sampling too many foods, but it seems that the world just doesn’t want to include you in other pursuits.
Take dating for example. It seems an omnivore couldn’t possibly have anything in common with a vegetarian. For a start they smell different and probably don’t have social skills. More than likely they have conventions beyond the understanding of most normal people. Has anyone ever actually seen a vegan? Maybe they only come out at night. Which is why it must be so heartbreaking that their last chance of procreation could be gone.
The Guardian reported that supposedly vegetarian-based dating website Veggiedates was to be taken down due to the fact that the majority of its clients were meat eaters. How embarrassing. Imagine turning up expecting a cucumber and getting a big juicy steak instead. The error came about because the site shared a database with several other sating sites. In their defence, Veggiedates never said that they were exclusively for friends of living animals. However, the effect is like signing up for a swingers website to find it’s populated with nuns.
So with no way of meeting each other, this means that vegetarians could die out within a generation. But they’re still people. They have needs and everything. So where are they supposed to turn to sate their human desires? That’s right: the sex industry.
However, while vegetarians have always been able to appreciate the aesthetic qualities of dancing girls, they haven’t been able to munch on the meat-based snacks these establishments provide. Well all that’s changing thanks to the world’s first vegan strip club – The Caso Diablo – in the hippy town of Portland, Oregon. Not only do patrons have the chance to enjoy the excellent range of vegan treats but also animal-free girls. At least half the dancers at the club are vegans too and only remove clothes from sustainable sources, so you can pay a girl to dance naked for money without feeling any kind of moral dilemma.
Animal rights really have been taken to the next level. The sex industry can really feel proud of itself and if it’s a success perhaps it will become something far more commonplace. Society is defined by how it treats those less fortunate. Strip clubs really are leading the way.
So today we salute the vegetarians (the vegans can wait until World Vegan Day next month). Perhaps one day they will find the equality they so rightly deserve and be able to enjoy all things in life, from dating each other without fear of trickery, to enjoy strippers and maybe even one day get the vote.